Alien Baby – 5 lbs

Warning: This will get graphic so if you don’t like grossy, skip this one.

I’m not really having an alien baby, that’s just what I’ve been calling this situation because of old movies.

I’ll start at the beginning and explain it all because I’ve told so many people and I don’t know if I gave them parts of the story or the whole thing. If they read this then they’ll know the whole book not just a few chapters.

HERE IS THE STORY.

Last year in 2018 I was always tired, extremely tired. Like so tired that when I sat down to watch tv I wouldn’t even doze off or feel myself falling asleep. I would just be watching a movie and next thing I’d be waking up hours later not knowing that I was even sleepy. Like blink your eyes and 5 hours have passed. I didn’t think anything about it because I’ve always been lazy and can fall asleep anywhere. Plus, idiots at work make me tired. Anyway, being in the 40s decade, people say you go through changes and I just figured I was old now and needed 15 hours of sleep instead of my coveted 12.

People also say when you’re old your body goes through changes too. Ignoring all the not-normal things happening, I was like ok, this is really annoying but if that’s what’s going on then whatever. One of the things was my belly was getting bigger, but then all I eat is pizza and fries and drink soda so that has to be the reason right? Before all this, I did have a smushy little belly that could be covered up with a waistband on a skirt. But not anymore, it clearly looked like I was a few months pregnant and it was no longer smushy. Again, I ignored it because it’s not in its early 20’s anymore so why would it still be smushy after all these years? It felt like under that smush there was an actual tough guy muscle. If you look at Russell Westbrook’s flexed arm, that is what I imagined was under that smushy fat. But I wasn’t even working out or doing anything that would get me muscle so why didn’t I think hmm… something might be wrong? I’m dumb.

So, the explanation to my first problem of falling asleep all the time, I was anemic. My apologies to my Xbox friends who had to deal with me quitting when we were having good games. Anemic, but not normal anemic. First of all, I have been anemic before but no one had ever explained to me what that really meant. And google didn’t exist way back then so it’s not like I could be not lazy and look it up in a couple of seconds. All I ever heard was your iron is low and you need to eat more meat. Take some iron pills. No one ever told me that it’s when your blood is actually low. Like if you went to donate blood, they’d end up giving you blood. Or if vampires were looking for a little snack, they’d pass you by because you are basically a drop of blood and they’d be wasting their time. Normal anemic low blood is like 12 or so and I was a 7.4 and a 7.0 is when they get you a blood transfusion. If I knew this I would’ve taken the iron pills like I was supposed to way back then. My local doctor explained it all to me though. I appreciate her so much and I did take the pills for awhile until I got back on Depoprovera back in December 2018 because I thought that would fix the anemia. Did I mention that I was starting to actually look like a zombie? I had darker circles under my eyes and my skin was a grayish color. I just thought it was from staying up late, which I wasn’t doing much of, so I don’t know why I didn’t think anything of it. Dumb.

Why was I anemic? That’s where my Westbrook muscle belly came in. I went to my local doctor for something unrelated, probably from wearing one of my .99 cent gold necklaces that gave me a scratchy allergy or whatever and I’m so thankful for her because she saw how old I was and scheduled me for all my past due checkups and tests that I should’ve gotten all those years I never visited her. That included a referral to the hospital spa where I got a few more exams done and seen another doctor who told me I had a fibrous tumor in my uterus the size of a large orange or small grapefruit. He even took out a tape measure and drew the size on a sheet of paper. That explains the magical belly muscle and looking a few months pregnant. We scheduled a time for surgery in May 2019 because that’s when his earliest openings were and I had school and needed to build up sick leave and save up vacation days and why wasn’t I freaking out? I was anemic and therefore, too tired to care. I also agreed to a biopsy a few minutes after getting that news and whoa if you knew where they had to go to get a sample of the tumor you’d be freaking out. I still wasn’t freaking out except for worrying about the doctor and nurse seeing my legs because I didn’t shave them that day so that was the only time I showed any concern. I wasn’t worried about the pelvic exam I also had earlier that day because the rooms were dark for some reason and that was ok because no one saw my legs. Having barely any blood makes you worry about things that don’t need to be worried about and not care about things that are scary, like the alien fibroid that’s growing in your uterus.

Other than the anemia and looking like a zombie and having a flexed arm under some fat, I never had any problems besides the one or two days of heavy flow and the sometimes two periods a month (caused by the fibroid). That was also something I added to the list of being over 40. No pain or anything that couldn’t be explained or so weird that would make me think I should go to the doctor.

UPDATE.

I finally had some pain. It started on a Sunday with me just feeling all weak and achy and then the full pain hit at work on Monday and did you know ibuprofen was a blood thinner? I thought it was only acetaminophen. Anyway, I was popping ibuprofen all day because the pain was so uncomfortable. Again, I’m dumb and just thought it was cramps. I felt warm but attributed it to stress and high blood pressure from work because I can’t kick people in the face when they deserve it. I get home and decided to take my temperature. 100.8 and even with all the ibuprofen it only got down to 99.4 that night.

Tuesday comes around and no fever, only PAIN. The only reason I go to work is because there was a service luncheon going on and that meant free food. Stupid, but I would have to wait until 1 pm to go to the emergency room anyway, so why not have lunch before the trip? Wow, my priorities. By then the pain was like a 10 on that face scale they have in doctor’s offices. The one where the happy face is crying. But I wasn’t crying. Yet. The ER doctor came in and I told him about the alien and he had to push a little on my abdomen and that’s when I started crying. They sent me to get a CT scan and that was the weirdest experience. They told me it was like an X-ray but for your organs. After it was done I was waiting to be wheeled back to the ER and I saw on the computer what looked like a ghost picture of a lower body with a circle shaped piece of charcoal stuck to it. That was the alien showing up on the scan.

When I get back to the room the obgyn on call that night came in to talk to me and gave me a choice, I can go in for a pre-op on Thursday and have the surgery to remove the alien on the following Tuesday or I can try to tough it out and hope the pain subsides long enough to survive until the original surgery date in May. I’m usually a crybaby but I couldn’t handle being a crybaby like that for another month. I made the right choice. She was so nice.

FINALLY.

5 lbs! I’m guessing that’s how much it weighed because they took my weight right before going into the operating room and again the day after the surgery and there was a 5 pound difference.

They had to do a c-section to get the alien out. I kept thinking of that horrible scene in the movie Prometheus. They first tried to do the laparoscopy procedure to remove it but there was too much bleeding and you know I barely have any blood so they had to go with the cut. I’m lucky I didn’t need the blood transfusion. And I’m glad the fibroid didn’t attack the operating team.

Now, I’m home and recovering and feeling much better obviously or else I wouldn’t be able to type this.

I’m giving you advice and you better follow it. If you don’t, I’ll send an alien to your house to terrorize you. So, please, PLEASE don’t ignore any signs of illness or weirdness going on, even if it can be explained away. Go see a doctor! You don’t want a story like this. It’s so much better to be safe than sorry.

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