As in North, South, East, and West. Not the mix two cups of flour and one cup of other stuff and stir.

I always knew North and South because the small town I lived in when I was young, the mall was at the edge of town going North and downtown was at the opposite edge of town so that’s South obviously. Back in the day the mall and downtown were my two favorite places so that was easy to remember. I didn’t learn East and West until that Red Hot Chili Peppers song Californication. It goes like “the sun may rise in the East…” and something, something, and something else. I hear that line in my head when I’m trying to figure out which way is East or West.

Kids don’t let people tell you that rock music rots your brain. You learn things. Useful things. Things to help you in real life. I’d like for someone to explain to me how algebra will tell me which way is East when the sun isn’t out trying to melt my face off and how to figure it out in like 2 seconds when I’m approaching a stoplight and need to know if I need to turn left or right.

• My friend Code Name Kid Next Door, he also uses the mall as North. This is his way of knowing:

Mall = North

Mill = South

OKC = West

Nowhere = East.

Which is true, there’s nothing East of OKC until you get to Tulsa. But he hates Tulsa so he wouldn’t say that. But I just did…haha. Evil grin.

• I asked HIM how he knows and his answer: google maps.

It’s a good thing he doesn’t rely on Pokémon Go maps, that game barely knows left and right.

• When I asked Young Martha, she sent me this!

In OKC I use malls for directions. Not really for North or South, but more like for areas. “Which mall is it near?” “Is it closer to Penn Square or Quail Springs?” And that’s how I know where to go or where to send people. But now there are less malls than before so I’m kinda limited on directions and finally thankful for GPS.

I guess I’ll have to learn street names. I never did because when you know where you’re going you don’t pay attention to them.

Awhile back I was trying to give my friend directions to Gypsy Coffee House, our favorite after concert hangout in downtown Tulsa. I was all, “Spaghetti Warehouse is here, Cain’s Ballroom is there…” while drawing an imaginary map in the air with my hands. Everyone knows where Cain’s and Spaghetti is but no one seems to know about our coffee place.

Also back in the day, the kids would bring their TomToms and other GPS devices when I was driving and I’d always be, “NO. I’m using this old school map I ripped out of the back of the phone book.” And that’s how I got us where we needed to go. But I don’t know if phone books even exist anymore. Usually they’d be on the porch when I walked out of the house but that hasn’t happened in a long time.

(Whining) I can’t start trying to remember street names now, I have too much other stuff to remember. Like movie quotes, Jeffree Star liquid lipstick color names and old PlayStation game cheat codes.

Because that’s what’s important in my life.

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